Mixed feelings about parents + Cultural difference

This is something different than what I have written but it’s an important topic for me and many other people too I bet.

Like I have told before my father is from Turkey, mother is from Finland. Even my dad has lived here about 25 years and speaks finnish fluently, sometimes I can see that he still carries his own chilhood and culture with him. I can’t take that away from him but there comes a day when I wish I could.

 

In life there are things that have been self-evident to me throught my chilhood: parents should be respected and obeyed, father is the head of the family and he is never allowed to shout at. It’s because of my father I became a person who desires justice and appreciates hard work. On the other hand, his political views are not the same as mine (For examble he supported Donald Trump, I supported Hilary on the United States presidential election). Not to mention sexual orientation which is still very sensitive subject in Turkey even though same-sex sexual ativity is legal.

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When I first thought I might be anything else than straight, the idea that both or one of my parents wouldn’t accept me made me angry. I think parental love towards their children should rise above everything. After all, my father has said many times he loves me. Would my sexual orientation change that?

Barely, but he still might never accept my sexuality. But could it be even possible to love someone if you don’t accept some part of the person?

Yes, I think so, at least if we talk about parental love. My father has cried out to me because I answered his question:”whatever”. He has made me cry because he thought I didn’t answer his question quickly enough.

However, I know that he can also be a gentle and loving father. His way of showing love is just similar to what he has received from his parents. His religion ja culture is important to him and I should respect that. He can’t change his past and get rid of his traumas so therefore, I can not insist that he suddenly would change his opinions and accept my bisexuality.

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Unfortunately, there are parents who left their kids because of their sexuality. I am extremely close to mine so that would crush me down. You can see I have mixed feelings about my parents; I love them but I hate the thought that they might not accept me. I would do anything that they could just be proud of me.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good that they can feel their childs suffering. They feel sad for me because I am dissapointed to myself and I am even more sad because I think they are dissapointed to me. Feelings like these make my mental illness even worse even I am sure my parents wouldn´t want that.

It took me some time to realized that it’s okay even feel hate towars your parents. In reality they are just people who make mistakes and have their own traumas that they grew up with, so it’s okay to put some emotional distance between you and your parents to protect yourself. In the end when it comes, it´s their decision if they want to be part of my life, whether I would date a girl or a boy.

I want to believe that most of the parents want their children to be happy but sometimes they might not realized that our happiness is always not the same as they have thought. Some parents accept that, some parents don’t, but it’s good to remember that this is your life and you can make your own choices. Sometimes those choices can be hard because they might seperate you from your parents but in the end your own is what matters. If your parents love you they will come back to you, I am sure.

My father has said he just wants me to be happy and have a good job. I hope he will still say those things when/if I’ll tell him about my sexuality, some day.

How to beat depression?

 

Let´s be real: the title is lying. Usually we don´t completely get rid of mental health problems. However we can learn to live with them.

I’m not a doctor so if you feel like it I hope that you go to meet one (Later I’ll tell you my own experience). These tips are only from what I have felt, seen and read.

  1. Analyze your feelings. Where are those depression and anxiety coming from?
    First, I suggest that you start to think about your feelings. Usually there are more than one reason for mental health problems and sometimes it´s hard to find even one reason. Don´t worry, take your time. Is there certain situations where do you start to feel sad or nervous? Is it something someone has said or done? Do you feel any physical pain in those situations or just randomly? Can you do something for it? You can write your thoughts down if you want.
    If your life seems to be good from the outside point you might even feel guilty about your feelings. Please! Don´t ever feel guilty about how you feel. If you feel sad, angry or nervous that tells about something and that something needs to be changed.
  2. Get in a routine
    When my high school ended and I didn´t get to shcool, I started to go to open university´s lecture. That gave me inspiration try to get again into university, I saw how studying about law would be in the real university and it gave me feeling that I´m doing something useful for my future. Routins makes you feel that you are accomplishing things. As you start to feel better, you can add more challenging daily goals.
  3. Relax tumblr_olzir2gnz81w5gh8ro3_540
    Haha yeah we all know that; we just don´t do it. Why? Because whe have been taught (including me) that we have to be hard-working, get good grades and do many things at the same time. When should we have a time to just sit down and do nothing at all?
    It is true that not everyone needs eight hours of good night sleep but less to do their work. However everyone needs to calm down and find their best way to forget their thoughts and tasks just for a minute. The information is not going to your head if you are just reading and reading without a break (Trust me, I know). So try to find what is your best way to relax? Here are some of my ways:
    – watching pictures or videos of guinea pigs (So cute <3) – Reading good fanfiction (Gets me forget simply everything, even time…) – Calling to my good friend and talking at least one hour – Writing my stories – Taking short nap (Usually 15-25 minutes it is best for me)

     

  4. Find your passions and goals…
    I think that this tip means: “find the reason(s) that makes your life worth living.” I personality don´t like to make daily or monthly goals because they give me too much pressure (My study schedule is exception) xd. Instead I simply have “bucket list/Life goal list” because I am a true dreamer from my heart. Think about things you love to do, places you want to see, books you want to read, things you would like to learn… If you would like to travel, could you try to find some job and save money for that? Or if watching every season of your favorite TV show makes you happy, then do it! Especially after long study session.
  5. … but don´t be too hard on yourself.tumblr_olzir2gnz81w5gh8ro4_540
    Again, setting goals can be very frustrating. One of my biggest goals last year was to get to study and when that didn´t come true, every other cool things I did didn´t mean anything to me anymore. Then I read a humorous finnish book about life skills which was actually the best one  I have ever read. It said that life really is unfair and sometimes bad things happen without reason. That is a simple true thing that is easier to accept than to think that there is something wrong with you or bad things happen just to you.
    So what am I trying to say? I guess… you should just do things you enjoy and be proud of yourself, about what have you done. Getting out of your bed and surviving through your day when you just wanted to stay home, is being a true hero. And then next day, maybe you can do something that takes you a little bit closer to your dreams.
  6. Stop those negative thoughts
    Most of the mental health problems are, well… mental, so negative thought are the worse monsters. I don´t ask you to think positively because I know that isn´t easy but it takes practise. I think you should again analyze where all those thoughts are coming from?
    When I was a child, I didn´t have a lot of friends and my best friend just left me. I´m over it by no but I´m still very sensitive when it comes to friendship, thinking about things like: “Why didn´t they invite me? Did I do something wrong?” I try to think realistically when it comes those negative thoughts: “Is this really true or does it just seem that way?” “People make mistakes, I do too.” What is the worst thing that could happen if I fail?” “Is this worry realistic?”
  7. Read other peoples´s stories
    In my gap years I have found relief when I have read people’s stories who are or have been in the same situation. I have also read stories about closed-bi people and it makes me feel better when I know that I´m not the only one. For example if you are planning to tell something important for your family, you can ask from others in similar situations and what they have done. You can just Google, but some (such as sex crime victims) also has their own phone number.
    I don´t just mean the ordinary people. In fact, I also love to read stories about celebrities who have come through difficulties, to victory.
  8. Go see the doctortumblr_olzir2gnz81w5gh8ro5_540
    The threshold to seek help for examble from a doctor or therapist can be high. It takes time, money and effort. You might fear that people don´t first believe that you need help. That is at least what happened to me.
    My good friend Henna (Follow her blog: “my gab year”) told me to get some help because I coudn´t surive alone. I was really anxious, depressed, and I didn´t see any hope in my future. Now I understand that the majority of my feels were connected to the fact that I demand from myself always more and more. The first doctor I met was nice, but I know that she found it hard to believe that me, smiling and polite girl could be depressed. She believed only when at the end of the meating I filled some papers about my health (You know those-are you depressed- tests where is some questions)
    I´m not trying to insult anyone, just saying that don´t ever let anyone tell you that you don´t need help or you are good on your own. Getting to therapy took me about half a year but it was worth it. So don´t give up. Beating depression and anxiety is a long progress but you are growing from it.

 

Not feeling the Christmas cheer

This… was something so important. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time and then sad things might feel even worse. Everyone should have a right to be sad no matter the time and definitely not feel guilty about it. It´s amazing if you can take care of yourself or even just surive during the bad time but please don´t feel bad about yourself.

I have been hating May Day since I graduated because it´s reminds me that all of my best friends are already studying and celebrating. In Finland May day is a happy day for the people who are already in college. I know that my time will come too but for now I just try to survive alone (Don´t get me wrong, usually I have been studying for the test or seeing someone other friend who isn´t partying) trought that day.

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So it’s December and everywhere you go the commercial aspect is everywhere, shops filled with gift ideas and deals, festive adverts on TV and music channels filled with Christmas carol shows….The most beautiful time of the year so they say, but is it? When I was a child I loved Christmas and being the only child until I was eight I was spoilt rotten. Not every year was the same I remember the first Christmas mum and I had after the divorce, mum could hardly afford the rent on our rented cottage never mind Christmas gifts.

I have been through so much this past year I’ve felt emotions so overwhelming and taken me by surprised.The lead up to Christmas is now a bitter sweet experience, dad always made such a fuss, we would have a big night of putting up decorations mum and I would make mince pies and then…

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She went so stronlgy despite her fear

The year has almost passed and it has been anything but an easy year: I didn´t get into my dream university to study law and it was hard to be happy for those who get to their dream school. Now I want to tell you my story since I graduated.

I graduated from high school 2015 spring and back then I was a girl with my strong armor, still afraid of falling. I vomit before every test and induction course (Courses which are usually organized by the Faculties of the student organizations whose purpose is to help you understand the entrance exam books and test your skills about those books) and I thought myself as a failure always trying to do better. After the entrance exam I understood that I need help with my anguish (Thanks to my lovely friend) and I started to see psychiatrist which was one of the best decisions.

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Like I thought  my dream didn´t come true and I was broken because of that. Still I didn´t want to lose for that feeling in my stomach which always made me sick before an important performance. I wasn´t ready to fall yet.

Like many people who were in the same situation I studied law courses in an open university of Helsinki before I tried again in spring 2016.

This year I was closer, both of my dreams. I was the first in reserve to study to be a nurse (Meaning that if one person who has already been accepted said no, I would get his/her place in college). However that didn´t happen.

Me and my mother at the christmas concert. I still try to enjoy christmas despite all these disappointments.

Well, here I am again: beaten and broken. Still, I am not the same person as I was the first time I tried to get in law school. I no longer vomited before the training courses and I was more confident about myself. I really wanted to face my fear like a warrior I had always dreamed to be.

This year I think I found the most important thing: The courage to run towards my fear and be proud of myself, whatever the results are.

See you next spring once I have decided will I try to get the university of Lapland to study law and / or sociology again. In Lapland, I would at least be close to Santa Claus ~

PS. I just found the perfect song for my feelings: Broken ones By Jacquie Lee